The Snack Pack, Volume I
The Bills face Baltimore, the country faces its third or fourth reckoning with itself in as many days, and other sh*t to know for the week.
While we’re still in the early stages of this newsletter, I’m trying to see what sticks, and you’re all along for the ride with me. So, uhhh, welcome to TWTS’s first look at the week ahead, dubbed the Snack Pack for all its assorted bits of news. Here are four things for the week ahead that you may or may not want to know (and given that it’s me writing this, you probably do not necessarily want to know).
Slack Status: 💬 Processing that Coup, Be Back in 30!
Let’s address the elephant in the room, shall we? Or, literally speaking, the hundreds of dangerous Trump supporters that got in the room without much resistance — elephants were smart enough not to storm the Capitol last week Wednesday, as riots over election certification took a terrifying turn. And, yet, as Congress reconvened on Wednesday night to certify election results, 147 congressional Republicans still voted to overturn electoral college results in Arizona and Pennsylvania. Since then, Trump has been banned from most major social media platforms, and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi publicly called for President Trump’s removal, primarily via the invocation of the 25th Amendment (the “yeet the president out of office” one), but she also expressed willingness to impeach him a second time.
Some Republicans who certified election results have since done some spineless simping for Trump, saying that his permaban from Twitter is some kind of free speech crisis, as if his tweets were still about the “haters and losers” or Robert Pattinson, as opposed to telling white nationalists inciting insurrection, who may be planning future attacks, that he still supports them.
We are the Daughters of the Buffaloes You Could Not Bill
(Victory) Monday morning, you sure look fine. The Buffalo Football Bills won their first playoff game since 1995 against the Indianapolis Colts, 27-24, and take on Lamar Jackson and the Baltimore Ravens on Saturday night. In an absolute nail-biter, the Bills avoided losing by a second Hail Mary, as Colts QB/father of fifteen Philip Rivers took an end zone shot that got swatted down. People in my neighborhood shot off fireworks, or possibly guns, maybe a cannon? — who knows, really — but all of this to say, Buffalo is so excited about our playoff run that a neighborhood in our city, Allentown, got a slight name change.
In other Super Wild Card Weekend news, the Rams defeated the lifeless shell that used to be the Seattle Seahawks, 30-20. Tampa Bay held off a Washington Football Team that honestly did not look like they were from the NFC East, thanks to mathematician and dual threat Taylor Heinecke. On Sunday, the Ravens got an emotional win against the Tennessee Titans, and are heating up right when they need to be as Lamar Jackson secured his first career playoff win. Baker Mayfield and the Browns also started their first playoff campaign since 2002 by holding off the 3-seed Pittsburgh Steelers. The Saints beat the Bears in a quintessential modern Bears performance, and Sean Payton got slimed for the Nickelodeon broadcast. Notably, Bears QB Mitchell Trubisky inexplicably won the Nickelodeon MVP fan vote, voted on by “kids” (aka adults with a sense of humor), and is the first of his draft class to receive the prestigious NVP award.
The College Football Championship: (1) Punch Me in the Face vs. (3) Punch Me in the Crotch
The University of Alabama Crimson Tide and 🥴 THE 🥴 Ohio State University Buckeyes face off this evening in an amateur football game on national television — gosh, I really love when ESPN gives two unknown programs some air time.
For real though, gosh, this football game does not excite me in the slightest, but there has been some news leading up to the game. Alabama WR Devonta Smith won the Heisman, the first wide receiver to do so since Desmond Howard, OSU has had some major COVID issues, and Bama caused a subsequent stir when Nick Saban’s daughter posted a now-deleted conspiracy tweet that OSU was, essentially, using COVID as a cop-out to let QB Justin Fields heal up.
Last week, I had Henry predict the winners of the College Football Playoff semifinal matches, and he was correct on both accounts. He did not pick the final (at press time, he was too tired from training to participate in any activities), but I speak for our household when I say: Alabama 47, Ohio State 23.
My Cat Has a Urinary Tract Issue
In the most important bit of news in this news recap, my orange and white tabby, Remus, went to the emergency vet on Friday night, showing signs of urinary straining or a blockage of some kind. This is common in a lot of male cats, but as you may know, being unable to release your body’s waste can get pretty serious, pretty fast. We have a cocktail of medications he’s on to ensure he keeps peeing and stays regular, as well as special food that helps keep his urinary tract in check. He’s being kept separate from the other animals until he’s done with one of his medications.
When asked for comment, my kitten Mina declined and instead asked to be held, and my tuxedo cat Sophia openly hissed. Through his agent, Henry released the following statement: “Remus and I are, like, best friends, in the sense that I bother him and he hits me on the nose. I am wishing him the best in his recovery.”